i finally snapped out of it. i was standing in the freezer section looking at the pizza rolls when the words tumbled out of my mouth, "okay god, i am completely empty. i am desperate."
i don't know if you know self-pity the way that i do. we are well acquainted. it usually kicks in when something happens to me that i deem as undeserved. my first reaction is to try to pacify myself by being a consumer: purchasing or ingesting. when that fails to satisfy me or give me a lift i start to wallow. i start to think of ways to quit. i start to believe things like, "you feel like a failure because you aren't good enough" or "you don't deserve another chance, you got yourself into this situation all on your own."
i know i'm not the only one.
who knew the freezer section would be my moment of freedom? as i stood at fred meyer ready to give in and buy something that i'm sure isn't even really food, i let everything go: my frustration, my failure, my weakness, my intentions, my worry, my fears, my anger, and my jealousy. who knew all of that was in there? yuck.
i paid for the much needed ice cream (requested by paul via text) and as i started walking out the door i began to sing, "i need you jesus to come to my rescue...where else can i go?" it wasn't pretty. i'm sure the people passing me in their cars wondered what was wrong with me. but faith was rising in me. i absolutely didn't deserve the immediate presence of jesus in that moment - but when have i ever? how could i forget about grace? - that sweet word, that wonderful peace that cancels the accusations and failures.
every moment is filled with the opportunity to surrender and be overwhelmed by grace. i forget this. sometimes i choose to live in the anxious, frantic, and worried world...
here is the psalm from my reading today. be encouraged. cling to the rock. call on jesus. he is present.
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me
Let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered in shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.