Welcome to the fallout Welcome to resistance The tension is here The tension is here Between who you are and who you could be Between how it is and how it should be -Switchfoot, Dare You to Move

I remember when this song first came out. I remember my good friend having the words "welcome to resistance" on his t-shirt as he was starting a new campus ministry in Minnesota. I remember his courage and discouragement - strangely coexisting. I remember that tension.

Today I feel it. Today I know it.

This quarter has been absolutely life-changing and amazing for me. My classes have been particularly thoughtful and engaging. The people I've met help me see the world - it's enormity and abuse, it's intrigue and frailty. Practically every day I am affirmed in my call and purpose. I've started dreaming and reaching in ways I haven't in a long time. And I've begun to feel alive.

And at the same time, I've wanted to quit more times than I ever have. I've stood with nothing in my hands and felt completely hopeless and empty. I've cried. I've screamed. I've kicked. I've prayed. And I've asked God to send some sort of sign or word of encouragement - at times, only to be met with silence.

One moment I feel like anything is possible. And in the next I'm laying in bed resigning from ever doing anything ever again.

This, my friends, is the life of being a wife, mother, student, church planter, and missionary. This is the real deal challenge of trusting God when finances dwindle and frustration sets in. This is the place I find myself when I wish I could do more for my two beautiful children with learning disabilities. Have I chosen the wrong job? Did I make a bad decision? Am I making things more difficult than they need to be? These are the words I write and consider deleting because I don't want pity or quip-y responses. But this is the real struggle.

I feel like Isaiah when he wrote, "Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down!" Or like David when he sang, "my heart fails within me, be pleased oh Lord to save me, Oh Lord, come quickly to help me." I suppose, in this way, I am in good company.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I need you Jesus. More than ever. Come, Emmanuel.